Flickers on the Wall: A Stocking Full of Christmas Shorts

Give me a roaring fire, a cup of hot chocolate (I never got over my childhood fear of eggnog), a brightly lit tree, and a classic Christmas story, and I’m a happy man. Carols, holly, Santa, spiced cider, snowmen, and brightly wrapped packages—I never tire of them. I’m a Christmas junky. And I’m not alone. There are millions like me, and tens of millions more who dabble. Sure, there are those in it only for the presents, and others who take a narrow religious perspective. Me? I’m in it for the whole deal.

With Thanksgiving past, it’s time to once again don our gay apparel and dig into the celebration. The best way to do that is with movies. I learned very early in life that Christmas is a time to gather friends and family at the local theater or around that glowing box in the corner of the living room and become lost…together. White Christmas, Christmas in Connecticut, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol—it doesn’t get any better. Sound too sweet? How about Die Hard? That’s Christmas with explosions.

It isn’t all about features either. Many of the best holiday films are shorts: A Charlie Brown Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Those, of course, were all made for television, which doesn’t decrease their value. For many years, TV has fulfilled the need for quality, animated Xmas fare. And features have covered the sentimental family market. Where does that leave independent shorts? Is there a place for new, theatrical, short Xmas films? Well, not much of a place, but there’s still a little room at the table.

Short Yuletide pictures had to be different than the gentle material already available, so for years, they earned their keep by being edgy, depressing, or just sacrilegious. The festival circuit would always have one or two Christmas films depicting alcoholism, abandoned children, and families breaking apart. Life sucks, and it sucks at Christmas too. Generally, they were as fun to watch as they sound like they would be. Since the twist was that the nastiness was set around tinsel, there was rarely anything deeper about these pics. Granted, many people need to be reminded that there is suffering at all times and that many are in need, but with a hundred versions of A Christmas Carol playing on every cable channel, that message should be out there already. Festivals are fond of modern-day despair stories, so a few of these still make the rounds. Christmas Merry (3 min. Writer/director: Robin Baker) is an example, though it is pardoned due to its short running time. It details, with multiple very brief scenes, a couple’s Christmas day. Things start terribly but start to improve…well, they don’t actually; they just seem to.

So any Xmas short not suggesting that we all just kill ourselves had to take the edgy route. It was a wide open arena, but no longer. Now that features offer a foul-mouthed Santa having a drunken sexual encounter with a woman who has a Santa fetish (Bad Santa), and TV’s got a group of happy woodland Christmas critters having blood orgies (South Park: Woodland Critter Christmas), there’s nowhere left to go. “Happy Necrophelia Christmas” might contain the last untraveled land. Still, a few brave filmmakers are giving it a go, and while no classics are in sight—nor anything as extreme as you can find on Comedy Central—there are some winners.

Black XXX-Mas (11 min. Writer/Director: Pieter Van Hees) finds its originality by merging a fairy tale with an urban story and presenting it with neo-cyberpunk style. It’s told by God. To be more accurate, it’s played by God on his handheld videogame. Little Red wants to hit the streets, score some weed, and enjoy herself as best she can in the megalopolis ghetto, but her father, Black Santa, is none-to-keen on her wandering about, showing so much skin. “It’s a jungle out there” he says as he beans her with a beer can, and he ought to know. He’s got his rounds to make, though Black Santa doesn’t leave presents; he takes the silver. Red’s not going to be held back by dad and sneaks out, only to run into Wolfgang, the cop. Yup, it’s “Little Red Riding Hood” on crack.

Van Hees claims Black XXX-Mas is about a girl’s developing sexuality, though it appears to be fully developed before we meet Red, along with a good dose of cynicism. “Once upon a time there was a place called reality. Now, in reality, there are no good guys and bad guys. There are only bad guys and guys who are worse.” So it seems.

Filled with an astounding amount of CGI work for an earthbound project, and with vivid colors, stark interiors, and a Hellish cityscape, Black XXX-Mas is a great film just to sit back and stare at. But it doesn’t want you to relax. It’s a trip, and along the way, you’ll pass slimy drug dealers, a roller skating gigolo, multiple corpses, nude women, an exploding head, and many feet of intestines. The weirdness is as deep as the gore. Perhaps this isn’t the film to show to Grandma and Uncle Herb before passing out the presents, but for a less conventional gathering, it’s a gem. It’s a picture that cries out for the big screen, but you can watch it at Atom Films.

Taking a more traditional approach to comedy is A Family X-mas (13 min. Writer/Director: Warren Eig). The family in question isn’t mom, dad, and little Sally, but is more akin to Tony Soprano’s. Johnny Guccianno (Robert Costanzo, one of the most recognizable actors whose name you’ve never heard) is awakened by his hot, trophy wife on Christmas Eve to investigate sounds coming from the living room. The noise indicates an intruder, Santa Claus (John Capodice, another character actor you’d recognize if it wasn’t for the Santa makeup), and he’s broken into the wrong house. Johnny isn’t a guy to mess with, and it doesn’t get better for Jolly Old Saint Nick when the mob boss starts to believe, since he’s had a lot of bad Christmases.

Once you understand the setup and realize that this isn’t going to be syrupy, there are no surprises, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t funny. Its strength lies with a pair of actors—so good at playing second bananas—who finally get a chance to stand out front. It’s available online at Babyboompictures.com.

Holiday Heat (10 min. Writer/Director Jonah Ingram) is another Santa short, but we’ve moved from crime to action adventure. Years ago, Haslo Toy Company tried a legal takeover of Santa Enterprises, but the men in red didn’t go for it. Now, Steve Haslo’s son has decided to try a more direct approach. With a group of gun-happy accomplices, he plans to assassinate the seven Santas (one for each continent).

Think of this as what you’d get if Michael Bay made a Christmas film after finally realizing that his films are funny. We’ve got explosions, fistfights (yup, Santa knows how to kick ass and take names…and then mark them “naughty” or “nice”), and ridiculous one-liners: “felice navi-die.” The budget’s too small to pull off all the gags, and not all the actors are up to snuff, but enough of it works to be worth your time. It’s a great first draft. It can be viewed online at Triggerstreet, but you have to join the community.

The fantastical elements in The Day After The Day After Christmas (7 min. Mike Dobler) don’t come from a toy-delivering elf. The fantasy is darker, though the film is probably the lightest of the bunch. It’s the day after the day after Christmas (that’s December 27th for those of you keeping track), and a woman finds a discarded present and a substantial length of ribbon. She decides to keep the gift, which turns out to be an LP, and tosses it on her turn table—which is an exceptionally bad idea.

Dialog takes a backseat to slapstick as the unnamed woman struggles to survive her unlikely foe. The horror elements work surprisingly well (so well that I’m concerned a lesser filmmaker will try to replicate the “monster” in a serious fright fest). I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the movie was made as an exercise in perfecting stop motion animation. Well, consider it perfected.

The Day After The Day After Christmas is a shaggy dog story, and like all its relatives, the final joke is more likely to evoke moans than laughs—but that’s the idea. The fun is in the telling. You can view this on Atoms Films.

A fairy tale, two Santa fantasies, and a horror comedy are a pretty good grouping for your Christmastime viewing. I just need to add a science fiction piece. But there I run into trouble. SF and Christmas have never been easy bedfellows. If there’s a good Xmas sci-fi flick playing at festivals in the last few years, its makers have been careful to hide it from me. Even if we look at both anthology and episodic television, the pickings are slim, and if we stick to live action, it’s a desert.

Since I don’t want to keep you high and dry, I’ll suggest Doctor Who: The Christmas Invasion. It doesn’t stand alone, so you need to be a Doctor Who fan already or have a few extra dollars to pick up the Doctor Who: The First Series DVD (that’s the first series 2005, not the first series 1963). If you know The Doctor, you’ll know what to expect when aliens attempt to conquer Earth at Christmas. If you don’t know the show, let me tempt you with a single phrase: Santas with flamethrowers.

Since Christmas is a time of sharing, let’s hear about your favorite short Christmas film, be it fantasy, horror, or that most elusive SF. We’ve got a forum; you’ve got an opinion…